‘Hope’ – a small word.
But with the power to make a big difference.
Hope holds a definition that means recovery IS actually possible.
How do I know? I will tell you.
The Oxford Dictionary definition of the word ‘Hope’ is …
‘To want something to happen and think that it is possible’
But what happens when you lose sight of hope, or people/professionals/family take hope from you?
Since living with anorexia for 20 years, too many times have I felt my hope had gone.
I felt my hope was lost when I went to a CAHMS unit expecting care and support to help me recover, only for my parents to discharge me 6 months later when they noticed they were losing even more of their daughter in other ways.
Hope of recovery was the furthest from reality.
As a vulnerable child, it’s all too easy for others to take hope from you.
Over the years, my family lost hope too.
It was just the norm for me to be excused from any ‘social & food gatherings’.
The norm for me to be excused from any ‘social’ at all.
The norm for me to stay at home whilst my family went on holidays or days out.
The norm for me to be excused from significant celebrations.
The norm for me to never eat as everyone else did and never to eat out, or eat takeaways.
The norm was exactly that, the ‘norm’ as everyone had begun to lose sight of hope, they had lost sight of it ever being any different.
I had been living with anorexia far longer than I had been living without it.
We had just settled and accepted that this was how it was.
We had just settled and accepted my GP’s remark ‘there is no help, and no hope for you’ to be the truth.
Each time I went to my GP, exhausted and desperate for help, only to be told, ‘there is no help, and no hope for you.’
Even my GP had lost hope.
For years I was on my own, losing sight of hope myself.
But I tried my best. I would look at books, create vision boards, write endless affirmations trying to convince myself I was in ‘recovery’.
I desperately clung on to the smallest little light, called Hope, that was left inside of me.
I was on my own, but I clutched my little light, Hope, so tightly, believing one day I would recover, as it is all I had ever wanted.
When in 2019, I finally started to receive the help I really needed, it was my little light, Hope, that I clung onto.
Surrounded by individuals, who, to my puzzlement, were not in hospital to ‘recover’, I knew I needed to distance myself to keep my little light, Hope, alive and alight.
My first experience of therapy saw my therapist analyse me, announcing ‘over the years my hopes have been dashed’.
I had heard enough, she was not the therapist for me, I thought even she was trying to dash my little light, Hope, and this was all I had left. I could not risk her blowing it out for me.
Fortunately, my consultant recognised that little light, Hope, within me. She told me ‘It will always shine, even if small, it will carry me through.’
Finally, someone had seen my little light, Hope.
To this day that little light, Hope, carries me through, as I continue to face daily challenges.
That little light, Hope, will never be taken, despite others efforts to rob it from me.
The difference now, is I am not the only one harnessing my little light, Hope, I now have two trusting and unbelievably strong individuals who can hold the rest of ‘Hope’ for me, until I am ready and strong enough to hold a huge shining light, called Hope, all by myself.
I asked what happens when you lose sight of hope, or people/professionals/family take hope from you?
The answer is hope is never lost.
Yes, people/professionals/family will take hope from you, perhaps time and time again.
You may believe you are lost in the darkness, hopelessness, but however lost you feel, hope is, and will always be the tiniest little light left within you, that will guide you through.
No one can ever take this from you.
I know because however dark, however desperate, however hopeless I have been, the smallest little light, Hope, has never faded.
My little light, Hope, holds onto me, until I can emerge from this darkness.
Despite everything, I still have my little light, Hope.
One day my little light, Hope, will shine so brightly for the whole world to see, and I will show everyone that, no matter how long you have had anorexia, no matter how long you have or haven’t had treatment, no matter what you have been through in life, no matter how hopeless you feel …
Inside you will ALWAYS have a little light called Hope, that WILL carry you through even the darkest of times.
And Hope is never lost.
There are times it will be more hidden.
But…
There is ALWAYS Hope in hopelessness.
Hope is never lost.
Which means recovery IS possible.
